Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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