Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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