I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
