There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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