Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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