If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My cat gives me a boner
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
