So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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