So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
