Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
