Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
