apparently the secret to your success is patron
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
