Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Randomize
