I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
