Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
