matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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