just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
