You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
