I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
