My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
