Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
