who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
