Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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