I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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