So drunk its hurt
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
