the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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