I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
