you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
