New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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