Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
