dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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