i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
