I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
