no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
