Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
