2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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