Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
do herpes really smell.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
