Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
