He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
