operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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