jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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