i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Randomize
