You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
