NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
