Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
