my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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