Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
