so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
