Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
being pregnant is like rehab
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
