I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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