Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
