he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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