sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
